I Can't Win
by MardyBum
Summary: Kenny, for years, has been trying his best to come to terms on why God likes to play with his immortality.


I was falling, falling fast and I couldn't do anything about it. My heart stopped and it was the end for me. I was about to die.

Nothing really added up in my mind, I was shot in the chest and the pain was almost so unbearable that it was too numb to feel, and as I fell to the ground I realized this was it, this was my last seconds in the world- this was God's way of kissing me goodbye. These are my last seconds and there's nothing I can do about it. This is where my life stopped and after this last breath it will be gone, starting to doubt all the mistakes in life and all the things I didn't do. My mind was throwing out all these little memories and regrets and understanding in the little time I had before I finally hit the ground. All the thoughts flew by like cars on the autobahn, fast and blurry, and it was the only thing keeping my fall from going fast.

It gave me the time I needed to realize everything. Everything shared. Everything loved. Everything hated. Everything desired. Everything earned. Everything lost. Everything regretted. Everything enjoyed. And so on…

It really is true you see your whole life flash before your eyes.

The thing is though, this has happened to me more times than I can count. For some reason God seems to use me as some kid he likes to gamble with. When I get to the gates of heaven, I say my hi to St. Peter and God tells me he's giving me another life line. I never ask why, well, why would you? It's another chance to live. That's another chance no one else has. Yet he seems to love to kill me over and over and over again in the foulest of ways- I want to ask him why he does that. Yet he always seems to ignore the question and I always bid the place fucking adieu.

My friends always greet me back like nothing happened, I wonder if that's part of it, do they even remember that I died? It got to the point where I just sighed and let it all off my shoulders. I stopped asking questions about this weird happening, which I don't know why but it always happens on a Wednesday- fun little fact, but I finally just went along with it and not let it bother me. Yep, no more questions to bother me even if it does get annoying that I am always striked, beaten, slaughtered, decapitated, etc. at the worst times.

Like for example this one time, the day I turned 17 I had this lovely lady sitting next to me on the couch at Stan's party (that he surprising threw for me). My teenage hormones were going insane and after exchanging some body heat with one of the hottest make out sessions I EVER had, I decide to lead her upstairs. You had dumb and dumber up at the top. Most people knew them as Cartman and Clyde. They were drunk out of their minds and throwing some random shit down the stairs.

"Haha, dude watch this!" I watched Clyde giggle dumbly as he picked up a giant vase and he tossed it right down the stairs. Cartman stood there jumping up and down with glee as the vase came hurling toward me and all I remember is that I blacked out.

I opened my eyes, "Aww, NO! No, no, nooo!!" I look up to see God, "Why, God?"

"Kenny my child, abstinence is the key to happiness." And before I could begin to cry from all this unfairness I was sent back down.

Here I was again though after being shot in the heart from somehow walking out of the candy store and getting right in the middle of a gang war over who was the better rapper right as I stepped off the sidewalk with the fight over Notorious B.I.G. or Tupak; which I could give a shit about. I think God just has a sick sense of humor.

"Hey, Kenny!" I look over to see Saddam waving at me from his chocolate chip factory. I nod and quickly look away. Ah, fuck its Saddam…no one liked Saddam but it was hard to ignore him, quite an interesting character. I look around to see the group of Mormons in the middle of their little religious meeting and I quickly walk past them and head to look for the one person who can send me back.

"Kenny…" I still flinch when I hear God's voice.

"So are you gonna send me back down now, big guy?"

God sighs, "How'd you guess?" oh, okay, smartass I'll play your game.

"Well…let's just say hanging around you about every day has given me some of your godly powers I guess." I just realized what I said when I see God's face quickly change to a frown. I felt my heart stop. Actually does my heart still beat when I die and go to heaven? I put my hand on my chest to check…

"No need to be smart, yah little bitch."

I wake up the next day in my bed and realize I am back in this shit hole of a home. I roll over on my bed and slowly sit up only to stare down at the floor in thought. I'd love to do something fun but I'm afraid to. You see…if I'm in the middle of something there is a 99.9 chance that God will strike me down right then. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to be like this. At first I thought it was cool but now I realize that even though I have this weird string of lives that I really can't live at all. It's just a cycle that shouldn't be, and I'm the hapless kid that has to deal with it.

So, now, I'm just hanging in the background. I'm screwed either way you might look at it.

Because I'm Kenny McCormick, and I'm ill-starred for life.

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I really hoped you liked it, I quickly wrote it in the late hours of the night. I want to write some more soon- and I would be more than happy to take requests as well!


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